get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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