Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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