I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
