Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
