So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
