Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
