hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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