Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
