I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
