Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
