apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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