Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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