I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
