I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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