i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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