please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
