She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
