she was so not down for the gang bang
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
