Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
