I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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