Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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