ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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