Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
