Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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