I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
