bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
