i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
