She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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