i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
