It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
