Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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