I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
