id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize