We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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