I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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