Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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