Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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