I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I want to be your penis for a week.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
