i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
