The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
