I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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