I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
