im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
