then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
