I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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