I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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