Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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