My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
