Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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