Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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