when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.