Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
