Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.