My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we made out on top of his cat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
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