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true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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