well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
