I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
