i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
