I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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